Are You Running Toward Anxiety?

Good morning fellow humanity. This morning is a dreary one at best. I have not been very active in my writing the last 2 weeks because I haven't been sure how to write about the topic that is calling to me so strongly. Anxiety.

Anxiety today is a touchy subject, so I caution you to read with an open mind. If you are not ready to deal with yourself, don't read it. However, I encourage you to share it for the ones who might be ready to find healing.

Where does anxiety stem from? It is a branch of fear that we get lost in while trying to take control of an outcome. We pack a single fear up in a box of un-dealt with bullshit, and we work very hard to contain it so it doesn't mess anything up. In doing this, we end up running toward the chain of reaction. Fear of someone finding out we have a fear, not being accountable enough to admit we are afraid, and running into the safety net of stress and anxiety in an attempt to control these fears. After that initial boxing up, we get a feeling of fear in some other form of fashion that someone will find out, and it is easier to run toward the anxiety and try to control what happened, whether that be fear of a choice we made, fear of lies we are covering up, fear of hurting another's feelings, fear we will be unaccepted, fear we will be looked down upon, and a million other fears you may be dealing with right now. It runs a full course, and we run faster and faster (the state of anxiety) to try to stay ahead of the situation.

Last night I had a horrible, and vivid, dream that someone very dear to me died a tragic and horrible death. I never see faces when I dream, but last night I saw this person's lifeless face. Broken, bruised, and pained. The feelings it stirred in me were almost unfathomable.

Now, this is someone that I very much distanced myself from, and it is for the best to care for them from afar, but the fear that instantly struck me that something tragic has happened is sitting with me heavily, and I'm struggling to clear it from my mind.

I have always believed that when you dream about someone with such a realistic impact, their spirit is calling out, or struggling with something. I have always made it a point to reach out and check in on friends when these thoughts, or dreams, stir within me. However, this person is not reachable to me, which is also for the best, and that is a difficult battle to have. The battle between what is best for us and what will inevitably cause us trouble. The control of the situation.

So how do we internally deal with such strong emotions? Do we speak reason and logic? Do we pray? Do we try to run faster than the fear (anxiety) that this has happened? Do we meditate on the dream and the tragedy, or do we meditate on wisdom that history is history, and even if the universe is showing us that this has actually happened, it is out of our control, and those energy forces WANT us to be afraid and react accordingly.

A lot of you might disagree, but this pattern of emotion is not an illness. It can cause illness, as stress can physically affect your body, but it does not start with illness, and never has. We live in a world where it is encouraged to run from our problems, we are encouraged to be offended, and that anxiety is the safety net that will catch us. We are pushed toward medication to curve, or to balance, our anxiety, when in reality we must take the time to be accountable with ourselves and relinquish control over another's choices and reactions. I challenge you to think about this theory next time you are doing late night TikTok. It is sold to us, and the marketing department is very very good at their job LOL.

Trust me, I have been there. I have been on the anxiety medication, I have been suicidal, I have been on anti-depressants, and I have been panicked over not having control. The truth is I never had control over someone that made choices that hurt me. They weren't my choices. I never had control over a job that took advantage of me. It wasn't my company. The truth is that I could have walked away at any point, but because I didn't want to see past a single moment, I boxed that fear that things wouldn't turn out like I would want it to, and I ran toward the anxiety that followed. I lived the whole process, and having had this dream is just reality that I am still a recovering control addict.

We cannot run from fear. We cannot run toward anxiety. Fear is at the root of almost every emotion, and our reaction is the only thing we DO have control over. Anxiety can be deadly. Anxiety is a driving force to be reckoned with, and we have the choice to relinquish control.

I want to encourage you to take 24 hours and think about where you and your fear stand. Did you bury it in a box hoping that it wouldn't bother you while you control your surroundings so that fear cannot come out again? Is this making you feel uncomfortable in your gut to think about? That is the first part of admitting your fear. Don't run toward the anxiety it brings you. Go back to your box. Tell yourself what you are ultimately afraid of. Out loud. Begin your journey of accountability and letting go of control. You are the only person you can manage and decide for. Another's choices, however they may affect you, are not your problem. Only you can choose if you make them.

Alla Prossima!